Natural Born Americans Redux (March 2011)

Never one to resist the urge to reduce an argument to absurdity (Reductio ad absurdum, to the prep school snots and/or Catholic priests out there who studied Latin), I feel compelled to address this business about Barack ibn Obama al Nairobi’s birth as it relates to his qualification to become or to remain President of these United States.

The U.S. Constitution insists how...

“No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.”

Purists contend the first part, the bit about “natural born Citizen,” is paramount.  The stipulation “natural born” disqualifies foreign-born immigrants regardless whether they’re ‘naturalized’ or no.  So historically (and fortunately) we never faced the possibility of Presidents Kissinger or Schwarzenegger. 

Tea baggers and others at the lunatic or racist fringe like to believe the current incumbent is similarly disqualified.  His mother and granny believed little Barack to be so precocious they conspired to falsify birth records so that one day, forty-five years later, he could hold court in the White House, instead of serving coffee or mopping floors there.  Talk about stage and pageant mothers!

Two other serious candidates (maybe serious is too serious a word) could have faced similar challenges, but since both were wealthy, a broader Constitutional interpretation was allowed:  I think that’s mentioned in Article VIII, just one of the super secret sections of the Constitution which cannot be made public until 2021 (and jeez, is everyone going to be surprised).  Senator John “Walnuts” McCain and Governor George “Named his son Mitt” Romney were both born abroad, the former in Panama and the latter in Mexico.

Personally I would cut McCain some slack since before the First World War when McCain was born, Panama was a client state of the US, having been conceived and delivered into the world by President Teddy “Big Prick” Roosevelt.  And since his mom didn’t name him Manuel or Roberto after pool boys at the O Club, I won’t demand a DNA test...unless Walnuts runs again.

George Romney’s grandparents were polygamous and it’s said his own parents weren’t.  But they were only driven back to real America by Villa and his banditos, so I could speculate how the Romney tribe might have stayed in Mexico, and the handsome, socialist Vincente “Mittens” Romney might now be the President of Mexico.

I’d rather focus on a more wide ranging interpretation of this critical issue.  In my mind, disqualification should also arise from:

·         In Vitro or In Vivo conception – neither is “natural”

·         Caesarian deliveries – decidedly unnatural

·         Sperm donation – not the natural way

·         Epidurals – that’s not natural childbirth

·         Induced labor – what’s the big hurry?

·         Immaculate conception – come on now

·         Kama Sutra sex – at least 52 of its 64 positions are unnatural or unachievable

·         Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra – it God meant you to conceive he’d provide the woody

Now you might accuse me of being irrational (please, I’m trying to be snarky) but I think these tighter restrictions benefit the country in ways beyond the simple rejection of foreign-born socialists, muslins, and poors.

First off, we can simplify selection of candidates by dramatically shrinking the pool of qualified people.  Nearly 32% of American live births are caesarian and more than 50% involve epidurals (weenies).  So instead of having like fourteen or fifteen Republican hopefuls for 2012, right away we’d be down to six or less.  Knock out two more for artificial insemination in one form or another and you might be down to three or four potential candidates.  Now isn’t that more efficient than listening to months and months of confusion, harping, sniping, pontificating, and self-flagellation?

On the Democratic side, the effect might be greater since Liberalistas are more likely to be experimenting with Tantric techniques and Kama Sutra positions.  Liberal women also opt for caesarians more frequently since they want to speed things up so they can get back to stealing jobs from men.

While we have yet to see candidates who might be the outcome of sex enabled or enhanced by erectile dysfunction drugs, it’s never too early to undertake record-keeping to avoid constitutional crises sometime in the future.

Furthermore, a public Internet database of photos taken of every American couple having sex should be compiled to assure no children are conceived using unnatural sexual positions.  This must be documented.  As in the case of Sheikh Obama, never trust the word of a candidate’s parents.  As for the public database, it could be self-financing by offering daily, weekly, or monthly fees for browsing and downloading pictures.  It’s likely to help our foreign trade deficit, too.

Face it, to be safe, no candidate from any party is qualified if a candidate can’t prove (1) his or her mother was flat on her back; (2) his or her father and mother were drug-free and weren’t watching porn to get aroused; (3) his or her mother suffered 30 hours of labor, unrelieved by so much as a Tylenol;  (4) the birth was vaginal and unassisted; and (5) no third parties were involved at conception.

XXX