March 2011...Juneau about this?

Sex outside marriage should be illegal, says Governor Parnell's nominee

By RICHARD MAUER – Anchorage Daily News
Published: March 24th, 2011 05:40 PM

JUNEAU -- Gov. Sean Parnell's appointee for the panel that nominates state judges testified Wednesday that he would like to see Alaskans prosecuted for having sex outside of marriage.

One blog post on the Eagle Forum Alaska site praised efforts at criminalizing adultery in Michigan, and Paskvan asked Dave Haase if he thought it should be a felony in Alaska.

"I don't see that that would rise to the level of a felony," Haase said.

Paskvan: "Do you believe it should be a crime?"

Haase: "Yeah, I think it's very harmful to have extramarital affairs. It's harmful to children; it's harmful to the spouse who entered a legally binding agreement to marry the person that's cheating on them."

Paskvan: "What about premarital affairs -- should that be a crime?"

Haase: "I think that would be up to the voters certainly. If it came before (the state) as a vote, I probably would vote for it ... I can see where it would be a matter for the state to be involved with because of the spread of disease and the likelihood that it would cause violence. I can see legitimate reasons to push that as a crime."

I love it!  It’s hard to know where to start...

• How about a new TV series, say Law and Order, Victimless Crime Unit? The reality series Cops and Cheaters could be combined.
• We’d need special courts set up to deal with crime sprees associated with special occasions like Valentines’ Day, prom night, New Year’s Eve, Mardi Gras, and National Secretary’s Day.
• We’d jail all our mailmen, pizza delivery guys, tennis pros, Hooter’s girls, pool boys, massage therapists, and rock band drummers, on suspicion.  Who’s going to clean the friggin’ pool?   
• Christine O’Donnell would be the only single woman (not wearing a wimple) over 40 with no criminal record.  Reinforces her sterling credentials.
• Imagine Bristol Palin is the first celebrity arrest.  Gingrich, Clinton, Sanford, Vetter, Ensign all perp-walked.
• STD infection trees combed by Alaska state troopers for evidence (Alaska 2^nd ranked for chlamydia and 9^th ranked state for gonorrhea...way to go, Alaska!)
• Young guys and gals can become three-time offenders in one night.
• Need to present marriage license to purchase Viagra, condoms, Astroglide, oysters, Champaign, and heart-shaped Whitman samplers
• Sharia Law in Iran allows for 24-hour long marriages.  US is more advanced and opts for 2-hour marriages, though most men need only 7.4 minutes (Male-Health.org 4/28/2010)

And finally, to support and clarify these new laws, we’ll have to address the often confusing terms: pre-marital sex and extra-marital sex.  Just as an example:  if two gay men or two gay women have sex in a state that forbids gay marriage, it can’t be premarital, but is it even extra-marital?

Furthermore, let’s say two college heterosexuals, arrested in flagante delectable, are standing in front of a judge.  Will he grill them on whether they intend to get married?  If they swear yes, they’re guilty of pre- but not extra- which carries more serious charges and 'stiffer' penalties according to Mr. Haase (“He’s a huge Sarah Palin fan,” the source in Anchorage said of Haase).  So boys and girls, it’s best to always carry a throw-down engagement ring in case you get busted.  I’m going to carry one myself...next time I’m cruisin' the strip in Wasilla.

Where do these people come from?  And why does all this crap originate in Alaska, Wisconsin, or Michigan?

XXX