How Do We Solve a Problem Like Sarah Palin™? (February 2011)

It’s a mistake to say Sarah Palin’s staff and enablers are absolute idiots.  They might be amoral, unethical, avaricious, unenlightened, malicious, and illiterate, but hardly stupid.  This latest ploy, registering trademarks for Sarah and Bristol is sheer genius.

Sarah Palin has always been goldmine for business...her own family, dozens of media outlets, columnists, expert commentators, tabloid journalists, and a significant percentage of America’s cadre of underemployed attorneys.  While it’s difficult to rank phenoms, Sarah’s right up there with Lindsay, Paris, KK, Charlie, and the late lamented Nicole, Michael, and Elvis.  And she’s reached this zenith without expenses accompanying the use of high-end drugs, video-taped sex acts, crotch shots, jail time, or pet chimpanzees.

But where can she go from here?  A report just today suggests the Kardashians made some $65 million dollars last year.  Despite their success, I doubt Sarah, Todd, and Bristol came close.  But now they have an inspiration and an aspiration.  As a next step, this concept of trade marking Sarah Palin is brilliant.

For example, one industry report claims to have counted some 11,000 different Sarah Palin-related T-shirt designs alone, some for her, some against, some complementary, most suggestive and graphic.  Many of these t-shirts, even between election cycles, go for $24 each.  Imagine pocketing two bits or half a buck for every one of those shirts sold:  it would run into tens of millions of dollars.  And that doesn’t even count the Sarah Palin thong designs for sale across the Internets.   And the bumper stickers and coffee cups and birthday balloons and rolls of toilet paper...

With careful management of her marks, Sarah Palin will be able to license shirts and other products even made and sold by her enemies.  So every time a college puke buys a “Puck Falin™” sweatshirt, he’ll be adding money to the pot, funds which could actually be funneled to her campaign.  Though in reality, it’s unlikely Palin Corp would pull a Romney, Whitman, or Bloomberg and finance their own campaign, not when there are so many tea-baggers, oedipal 14-year old boys, and escaped mental patients willing to donate.  Not good business, clear contrary to Wall Street wisdom about ‘other people’s money.’

Now I am not a lawyer, though I watch lots of TV and once defended myself in court in a case involving a cigar box full of parking tickets in Philadelphia.  I lost the case...but so did friggin’ Atticus Finch for Pete’s sake.  And I learned something about the law, like some judges are against you right from the get-go if you show up in cut-offs and a wife beater.  I thought it would make me look like I didn’t have any money, so the judge would go easy on the fines.  And I learned how flirting with the court clerk doesn’t work either...when dressed in shorts and a wife-beater.  Next time I’ll rent a suit.

But I would caution Sarah in regards to Todd.  In the past he has been a todd over-protective.  Few people realize there are more court actions concerning trademark abuse than about trademark infringement.  The Lanham Act states that the "registrant" cannot recover damages if the offender did not intend to cause confusion or did not intend to deceive the public. The burden of proof is on trademark owner to prove intent.

Abuse is when a trademark holder tries to intimidate, threaten, or otherwise coerce another party to stop using a mark in cases where no actual infringement can be established.  Abusive trademark litigation exists where the claim involves neither a likelihood of confusion as to product source or sponsorship, nor neither free-riding nor morally repugnant unfair competition.'  So free-riding is the important issue; I certainly wouldn’t go to court to try and prove that anything printed about Sarah™ hurts or undermines her brand.  No such thing after all as bad publicity.  Pola(bear)rization is a key element of Palin Corp’s business plan.

And one last bit of quasi-legal advice:  consider applying for trademarks and web domains to prevent someone else misusing them or squatting.  So Sarah Palin™ should also trademark related terms like: 

• Spiro Igloo
• Caribou Barbie
• The Quitta from Wasilla
• Snowbilly Grifter
• Sarah Failin’
• Wasilla Whiner
• Sarah Barracuda
• The Alaska Disasta
• Winky Mooselini
• Bible Spice
• Godzilla from Wasilla
• Trainwreck Sarah

And there are a few complementary terms that should not be forgotten:  Mama Grizzly and Hockey Mom.

So, Governor Palin, I’m on your side.  Nothing is more American than finding new ways of getting rich, except maybe finding new ways to make lawyers rich.  And if you can do it by keeping your clothes on and your knees together, more power to you.

And to quote from Les Liaisons Dangereuses:  “A man enjoys the happiness he feels, a woman the happiness she gives.”  Thanks, Sarah™, you make me feel happy.

 XXX